Raising Feminist Sons

I absolutely LOVE this piece! I have been thinking all the same things and had been considering blogging about it. This says it all so well though. I don’t know if I could top it….. so I will share it! Thank you thank you!!!!!!

Letting Go

Let me start by saying that I am so very proud of my daughter. She is sixteen and is a strong young woman who is very adept at navigating social situations. She even applied to, and got hired at her  first job, all by herself. She hopes to save enough money to travel to Japan by herself after she graduates high school. She is also thinking about living in Japan. A little closer on the horizon is a flight to see her estranged father several states away. She has never flown and has not seen her father since she was eighteen months old. Yet, my daughter, is totally excited to have that experience!

I am so happy for her……. but terrified at the same time. She is my only child. We have never been that far apart before. I won’t be there to make sure she gets to her connecting flight or help her if she gets confused about what to do next. I won’t be there to comfort her if the reunion with her father doesn’t go as planned. I won’t be able to keep her safe. I am terrified of letting her go, but I know that it is better for her in the long run if she learns how to do this alone. I have to trust her father to keep her safe while she is with him. I have to put my needs to the side. I don’t want my daughter to worry about me.

It’s not easy letting go. From taking their first steps to learning to drive, parents want to be there to cradle every fall and kiss every boo-boo. But to raise a capable,independent and confident young woman, such as my daughter, letting go is par for the course.

The Self-Esteem of Girls

As a young child I loved to dance, sing, and perform. It made me happy and it was an avenue to self-expression. I would dress up, put on make up, wrote a song and perform my little heart out! Proud of all my hard work and poised with my arms raised in the air and a giant grin………silence, I waited………..then….. jaws dropped, eyes popped, and the look of embarrassment swept across my mother’s face. The next thing I heard was not applause, as I had expected. It was my mother speaking my full given name, followed by, “what were you thinking?” At my young age I couldn’t understand why I was in trouble. I put on a show for my family, what could be wrong about that? It was my costume that was the problem. I had decided to only wear underwear and stickers. When I realized that how I had dressed was shocked and disappointed my mother, I was overcome with shame. I was ashamed of my performance. I was ashamed of my body. I was ashamed of my myself for not knowing that I would cause such a problem with my choice of outfit. That was the day when I started to feel like I wasn’t a good girl. I had the ability to disappoint my mother. Maybe that wasn’t even the half of it! I didn’t think my father liked it either. He looked away from me. He just turned his head and left. In my adolescent mind, my parents were mortified by my very existence. At least in that moment. But to a young girl, that moment means everything. 

I spent the next two decades living according to lessons I learned that day. 

1. I was supposed to be ashamed and embarrassed of my body.
2. I was NOT supposed to put on any more performances. I couldn’t take the chance that the audience would be so disgusted that they would walk out.
3. I should never again sing or dance in front of anyone, because it would only lead to ridicule.

Eventually, I said it to myself enough times that I believed it all to be true. “Look Mom….. I discovered self-deprecation.” I am 100% sure that my mother did not intend to teach me that lesson. As a mother myself now, I see how a kid can learn the wrong lesson. No matter how hard you try to teach them the right one. I know how difficult it is to watch everything you do and say, so as not to negatively influence your child. My mother is wonderful and I love her and respect her. I can’t say I feel the same about my father. He treated the rest of my life with the same disregard that he did, my performance that day. 

My older sisters’ constant criticisms throughout my life, solidified the notion that I was not good at singing. (Or anything else for that matter, but that’s a different post.)

Fast-forward a couple decades………

I met my fiancé in May. He is a musician. He encouraged me to let go of my inhibitions and  sing to songs that he would play. I couldn’t do it at first. I was so scared that I would embarrass myself. After several months of coaxing I agreed allow him to listen to a recording of me singing. Then we started to put my words to his music. We would record separately then combine them in the editing process. It wasn’t until two years had passed that I could even bring myself to sing in his presence. He has been so supportive. He loves my voice. We have shared our music with family and friends as well. I love to sing now. I love to write songs with my fiancé. I love that I am now able to express myself in this way. 

The lesson I hope to leave you with is this, It is never too late to overcome the things that hold you back.

 

Passive or Aggressive?

I love my husband. I know he is a genuinely good person, I know he always tries to give one-hundred percent at all times. I know he is not perfect, nor would I want him to be. I know that when life throws us a curve ball, we ban together. I know that when I have needed his support, comfort, and humor….. he was always there. I know that I will always be the smile to his joke, the warmth to his embrace, and an equal partner in our lifetime journey together.

That being said…….

I am conflicted. I love that my husband is not a mean person. I think it is a wonderful quality. Yet, this amazing man that I adore so much is also hindered by this passive nature. It makes me sad to know that in this world we live in, a person can be bounced around by the powers that be, merely because their nature makes it difficult for them to speak up. Should a person be ignored simply because his/her speech stammers? There are many people who are quiet or shy, some have anxiety disorders, social phobias, or other viable reasons for not being able to speak up. Shouldn’t we be patient with people and show everyone equal respect?

My husband is a very intelligent and capable person with a family that loves him and respects him. I wish the rest of the world could see what we see. I wish he wasn’t required to become more aggressive just to do normal business in today’s society. We should not be encouraging aggressiveness. We should encourage those who act in a peaceful way.

My conflict is that I know my husband would be received better by others in the world if he were more aggressive, but I think he is wonderful the way he is. I guess as long as I am being a supportive partner, that is all that matters.

Meanwhile, I’ll be trying to change the world’s opinions….. one blog post at a time.

Teaching Equality

It’s never to late to teach your kids how to have a healthy relationship. Kids learn how to navigate relationships by watching their parents. We parents are human though. We make mistakes. Sometimes we unintentionally tech the wrong lesson. My daughter learned from my relationship with my second husband, that the man makes the rules of the house, controls the money, the discipline and the mood of the house. In retrospect, I regret exposing her to that way of thinking. However, I was making my own mistakes at that time. My daughter was a victim of circumstance. I can show her a better way now. I can teach her that in order to be respected by others, we must first respect ourselves. We must not allow the tyrants of the world  destroy our vision of who we are. In a marriage, there should be no degradation or humiliation. In a healthy marriage you are a partner, equal in everything you do. There is no, “It’s a man’s job!” or “That’s woman’s work!”. My current relationship is jam packed with respect and compromise! It’s wonderful! I am so lucky that I am finally able to demonstrate these attributes to my daughter at a time in her life when she is starting to think about serious relationships. And, wouldn’t you know, she is actually learning how to be respectful and compromise. It’s not too late! I was able to get to her in time! I am so thankful for that. I know it will make a difference in her quality of life.