As a young child I loved to dance, sing, and perform. It made me happy and it was an avenue to self-expression. I would dress up, put on make up, wrote a song and perform my little heart out! Proud of all my hard work and poised with my arms raised in the air and a giant grin………silence, I waited………..then….. jaws dropped, eyes popped, and the look of embarrassment swept across my mother’s face. The next thing I heard was not applause, as I had expected. It was my mother speaking my full given name, followed by, “what were you thinking?” At my young age I couldn’t understand why I was in trouble. I put on a show for my family, what could be wrong about that? It was my costume that was the problem. I had decided to only wear underwear and stickers. When I realized that how I had dressed was shocked and disappointed my mother, I was overcome with shame. I was ashamed of my performance. I was ashamed of my body. I was ashamed of my myself for not knowing that I would cause such a problem with my choice of outfit. That was the day when I started to feel like I wasn’t a good girl. I had the ability to disappoint my mother. Maybe that wasn’t even the half of it! I didn’t think my father liked it either. He looked away from me. He just turned his head and left. In my adolescent mind, my parents were mortified by my very existence. At least in that moment. But to a young girl, that moment means everything.
I spent the next two decades living according to lessons I learned that day.
- I was supposed to be ashamed and embarrassed of my body.
- I was NOT supposed to put on any more performances. I couldn’t take the chance that the audience would be so disgusted that they would walk out.
- I should never again sing or dance in front of anyone, because it would only lead to ridicule.
Eventually, I said it to myself enough times that I believed it all to be true. “Look Mom….. I discovered self-deprecation.” I am 100% sure that my mother did not intend to teach me that lesson. As a mother myself now, I see how a kid can learn the wrong lesson. No matter how hard you try to teach them the right one. I know how difficult it is to watch everything you do and say, so as not to negatively influence your child. My mother is wonderful and I love her and respect her. I can’t say I feel the same about my father. He treated the rest of my life with the same disregard that he did, my performance that day.
My older sisters’ constant criticisms throughout my life, solidified the notion that I was not good at singing. (Or anything else for that matter, but that’s a different post.)
Fast-forward a couple decades………
I met my fiancé in May. He is a musician. He encouraged me to let go of my inhibitions and sing to songs that he would play. I couldn’t do it at first. I was so scared that I would embarrass myself. After several months of coaxing I agreed allow him to listen to a recording of me singing. Then we started to put my words to his music. We would record separately then combine them in the editing process. It wasn’t until two years had passed that I could even bring myself to sing in his presence. He has been so supportive. He loves my voice. We have shared our music with family and friends as well. I love to sing now. I love to write songs with my fiancé. I love that I am now able to express myself in this way.
The lesson I hope to leave you with is this, It is never too late to overcome the things that hold you back.
Our Normal Healthy Marriage 